Financial Tips For BROKE People

Transcript

0:03
– Hey guys, Grant here.
0:05
I know you’ve seen these articles on the internet
0:06
like five tips to manage your money
0:12
and you’ve thought to yourself, to manage money,
0:14
I have to have money, but that’s not true.
0:21
I’m broke, and I’m going to give you the
0:23
broke person version of those same five tips.
0:31
Quote non-essentials are different for broke people
0:33
and I’ll bet there’s a big one you’re wasting your money on,
0:36
health insurance.
0:37
Just think about all the money you’d save if you didn’t
0:39
pay for health insurance.
0:41
Worried about the tax penalty, don’t be.
0:44
Health insurance is way more expensive.
0:46
Uh, but what if I get sick and die?
0:48
Hey, death would be one great way
0:50
out of your financial problems.
0:55
Every article you read is gonna tell you to save money
0:57
and they’re right.
0:58
Broke people can do that too, how?
1:01
Coins, take that stolen pint glass full of coins
1:03
you keep on the ironing board you use as a table
1:06
and run it through one of those cash for coins machines.
1:08
Uh, Grant, don’t those machines take a percentage
1:10
of what I put in?
1:12
Not if you’re smart.
1:13
Tell that machine you want the money in a gift card
1:15
so it won’t take that percentage.
1:17
Don’t have the internet so you can’t use a gift card?
1:19
No problem, just reach around behind the machine
1:21
and pull out the ethernet cable so it can’t communicate
1:23
with the card server.
1:25
Hey, maybe you’ll get lucky and be electrocuted.
1:31
Now, if you have money, diversification means
1:32
having a mix of stocks and bonds, but if you’re broke,
1:35
it means getting cash however you can.
1:37
Get creative, you could open a credit card
1:39
under a fake name.
1:41
Hey, it’s not like you’re gonna pay off the ones
1:43
you have anyway.
1:44
You could start selling pills.
1:46
I’ll bet you have a relative that has a prescription
1:48
for something fun, steal it.
1:50
You could open a charity for a fake cause.
1:52
Hey, maybe you’ll get lucky and some of that money
1:55
will be coated in a fatal virus.
2:02
Investing is important.
2:03
The broke person version of investing
2:05
is having a friend with money.
2:07
A friend with money can bail you out when you break your arm
2:09
and can’t wait tables, or when you need antibiotics
2:11
but you don’t qualify for Medicaid,
2:13
so make sure you protect your investment.
2:16
Grant, I have a friend who’s dating someone responsible
2:19
and they want to cut me off.
2:21
That’s where protecting your investment comes in.
2:23
How, offer your friend analingus.
2:26
Hey, maybe you’ll get lucky and suffocate.
2:37
The goal of a hedgefund is to try to beat the market
2:39
using what’s called active management.
2:41
This can be tempting, but that kind of portfolio
2:43
can end up costing more than it’s worth in fees.
2:45
It’s much better to use a passively managed index fund
2:47
which, no, I’m kidding, this will never apply to you.
2:51
Eat ass and think about ways to die.
2:56
Hey, it’s Grant from College Humor.
2:57
Thank you for watching.
2:58
Click here to subscribe to the channel,
3:00
click here to watch another video,
3:02
and click here if you want to see what I look like
3:04
without a shirt on.
3:06
Ahh, weird that it’s the same, isn’t it?